The Unwritten Rules of Crushing
Version 1.0
By Mark Kéy-Balchin
Proofread by
Definitions:
You: The being reading this document.
Crusher: A person with a crush.
Crushee: The person you are crushing on.
Random Person: Anyone who is not you or the crushee.
PREAMBLE:
The information in this declaration has been derived from observation from both television and real life, in addition to personal experience. The rules set forth herein do NOT have to be followed, in fact, the reason for recording these down is so people can laugh and perhaps even say, 'hey, I've done that too!' You may follow said rules, however this should not be taken as legal advice, and neither I (Mark Kéy-Balchin), my proof-reader, the website host (SiteSled), nor my school (Massey High) can be held responsible for any financial, physical and/or emotional loss this may cause you. You may also use this document to find out if someone is crushing on you, but again, I can't guarantee that it will work, and the people and organisations mentioned above cannot be held responsible.
ARTICLE 1:
Your love for the crushee MUST burn brighter than a million suns.
ARTICLE 2:
You will fantasise about telling the crushee how you feel.
2a: You will NOT put these plans into action. They are fantasies after all.
2b: If you do accidentally say, you will clumsily make up excuses/hide it/deny that you meant it that way. Perfection is not an option.
ARTICLE 3:
You will drop overly obvious hints (this is known as flirting). The crushee will ignore it.
3a: If the crushee does not ignore it/gets the hint, you will deny any feelings you may have for the crushee.
ARTICLE 4:
If a Random Person or the crushee him/herself tries to guess whom you 'like-like', you will ignore/get annoyed with them.
4a: If the Random Person or crushee persists, you will tell them kindly to 'Keep OUT of my BUSINESS!'
4b: If the Random Person or crushee guesses the crushee's name/form class/country, you will give them an indirect answer/start talking about the weather. (Some crushers do this anyway to confuse the Random Person/crushee.)
ARTICLE 5:
If the crushee is in trouble/distress/danger, you will volunteer to help.
5a: If a Random Person or the crushee questions your reasons for doing so, you will
i - make up a lame excuse e.g. owing the crushee 50c
ii - start talking about the weather again.
ARTICLE 6
You may follow the crushee wherever s/he may go.
6a: If the crushee confronts you and asks you why you have been following him/her around, you will have a handy excuse ready e.g. "You think I snuck into the [insert gender of crushee here]s' toilets and camped outside your house all night? You know how ridiculous that sounds?"
6b: To assist you in following, you may obtain the crushee's daily schedule.
ARTICLE 7:
You will record the crushee's favourite junk (i.e. colour, drink, food, band, hairstyle, TV show, game, ect...)
ARTICLE 8:
You will stutter and stumble over words in normal conversation with the crushee.
8a: If you already have a speech impediment, it will magnify/become more pronounced by a factor of at least 3.
ARTICLE 9:
You will have the crushee's name written somewhere in at least one of your exercise books.
9a: You may have one to four page/s in said book devoted to his/her name.
9b: You may use up (a) page(s) trying to figure out which one of your or the crushee's last name your child/ren will have.
i - If you or the crushee have hyphenated names, you will spend hours trying to figure out which ones to keep, or whether or not it will sound better to hyphenate all three.
ii - If both you and the crushee have hyphenated names, my pity for you.
ARTICLE 10
Above all, you will deny any feelings for the crushee. Remember: Denial's not just a river in Egypt.